Recent events have emphasized the need to shop early!  Besides beating the crowds and garnering the best selection, prices are never going to be lower!

Let’s start with a stocking stuffer idea… MASKS!  No, I’m not talking about the silly cv masks…I’m talking about the ones that cover up way more than a nose!  Everyone who has a RINO on their shopping list knows their current masks are slipping and it’s time for some new ones.  The Bushes and Mitt Romney are sporting the new We-Trust-the FBI look this coming election season.  Intending to portray strength and trust in government agencies, it’s difficult to pull off and your most discerning patriots won’t even attempt to wear this.  But if have a relative who believes 9-11 was a terrorist plot or that Romney is still a Republican, then this is definitely a MUST-HAVE!

For a personal gift, how about some of the new perfumes and colognes on the market right now?  Joe Biden continues to wear the classic Obsession (with getting Donald Trump) cologne, while the Intelligence Community continues to peddle their favorite smell…OPPRESSION (of the truth).  Merrick Garland hopes to corner the market with his latest offering OBSTRUCTION (of justice) but it doesn’t seem to be selling among the general population. They all seem to mirror the favorite scent of the left: DESPERATION. I do hope Michelle Obama buys Barrack a new cologne for Christmas though, because that stink he’s wearing now? follows him everywhere!

Another gift to consider is a plant.  Not the poinsettias or small fir trees…no, we’re talking people whose loyalty can be bought or shifted after the fact.  You can prebuy them—like gift cards!!  Insert them into an opponent’s campaign or administration and at the time of your choosing, they’ll turn on your opponent.  You wind them up and make them say whatever you want—it’s all the rage!!

If you’re looking for something a little more personal, there’s a new storage service that might be perfect!  The FBI is offering compartments to store unsightly personal mementos that you can’t quite get rid of, but certainly do not want to store at your home.  The cost?  A healthy donation to the Democrat Party or one of their preferred candidates (they’ll provide you with a list–simply ask Alexa: who should I donate to? And a list will appear on your laptop—how convenient is THAT?) And then that racy diary or depraved laptop of your youth can be whisked away from public scrutiny forever!

But let’s get to the hottest gift this Christmas—JUDGES!!!!  Judge shopping is a difficult task for sure.  You have to find one that you control somehow—so that might not be an easy task.  You might have to settle for a Magistrate—a step down from a judge—but realistically you might be able to fool your friends!  It all depends on what you want your judge to do—they do come with optional activist packages (see SCOTUS Sotomayer) but that can be expensive!  If you’re going to need your judge over and over though, it might be well worth the investment!

I hope these shopping tips have been useful.  Christmas really is a magical holiday!! HO, HO, HO!

I came across an “Executive Test” that I thought was very telling. The questions are not that difficult and the answers are included. 

How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

CORRECT ANSWER: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.  This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

WRONG ANSWER: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the door.

CORRECT ANSWER: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant, and close the door.  This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

The Lion King is hosting an animal conference.  All the animals attend but one. Which animal does not attend?

CORRECT ANSWER:  The elephant. The elephant is still in the refrigerator.  This tests your memory.

There is a river you must cross, but it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage to cross it?

CORRECT ANSWER: You swim across.  All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.  This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes. 

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the executives they tested got all the questions wrong.  But many preschoolers got several correct answers.  Anderson says this conclusively disproves the theory that most executives have the brains of a four-year old.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.” “Done!” replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

On his deathbed, a lifelong Republican supporter suddenly announced that he was switching to the Democrats. “I can’t believe you’re doing this.” said his friend. “For your entire life you’re been a staunch Republican. Why would you want to become a Democrat now?” “Because I’d rather it was one of them that dies than one of us.”

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!” The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

A bus full of politicians was moving along the country road. Then it crashed into the tree and overturned. Blood and glass were everywhere. A middle-aged farmer working on the field nearby saw the accident and decided to help: he dug a huge hole and buried all the politicians who were still alive. He thought he did his country a good service.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100? A: Your Honor.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? A: Senator.

The two U.S. cities with the highest alcohol consumption are Las Vegas and Washington, DC. The difference between the two is that in Washington the drunks are gambling with our money.

Terrorists have hijacked a plane filled with politicians…They say they will release one politician per hour if their demands aren’t met.

Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician. The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.
The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.
The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says “I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut.”

“Politics” is derived from the words “poly” meaning “many”, and “tics” meaning “blood-sucking parasites.” – first said by Larry Hardiman.

There’s a really good, older country song called “Ladies Love Country Boys” by Trace Adkins.  These are the lyrics:

“Ladies Love Country Boys”

She grew up in the city in a little subdivision
Her daddy wore a tie, mama never fried a chicken
Ballet, straight-As, most likely to succeed
They bought her a car after graduation
Sent her down South for some higher education
Put her on the fast track to a law degree

Now shes coming home to visit
Holding the hand of a wild-eyed boy
With a farmers tan

Shes riding in the middle of his pickup truck
Blaring Charlie Daniels, yelling, Turn it up!
They raised her up a lady but theres one thing
They couldnt avoid
Ladies love country boys

You know mamas and daddies want better for their daughters
Hope theyll settle down with a doctor or a lawyer
And their uptown, ball gown, hand-me-down royalty

They never understand why their princess falls
For some camouflage britches and a southern-boy-drawl

Or why shes riding in the middle of a pickup truck
Blaring Hank Jr., yelling, Turn it up!
They raised her up a lady but theres one thing
They couldnt avoid
Ladies love country boys

You can train em, you can try to teach em
Right from wrong but its still gonna turn em on

And they go riding in the middle of a pickup truck
Blaring Lynyrd Skynyrd, yelling, Turn it up!
You can raise her up a lady but theres one thing
You just cant avoid
Ladies love country boys
They love us country boys

Upon hearing this the other day, I realized instead of blindly accepting Mr Adkins’ lyrics, I would fact check them…it’s all the rage, right?  Will country boys have the STATS?  (STATS: Smile, Transportation, Attitude, Talent, and Sex Appeal.)

Let’s start with Smile…a city guy smiling…

versus a country boy smiling.

NO CONTEST! Am I right???

Let’s talk transportation…city guy transportation:

versus country boy transportation:

hmmmmm…little scooter versus a pick-up truck? Can two even ride those scooter things?

“A” is for attitude. Compare the attitude of a city guy…

with a country man’s attitude:

I don’t know about you, but i think the merman is creepy!

When it comes to talent, a lot of city guys are limited to destructive screaming and protesting…

but country boys have impressive, life affirming talents.

Which brings us to sex appeal.  This is a typical city man…

versus a typical country man…

Not even close!

I think I can rate the above song as TRUE! 

Summer is the perfect time for a redneck party and I have all sorts of ideas for attire, food, games and prizes!

ATTIRE:

Redneck parties don’t require any formal attire. Men, you can’t go wrong with jeans or overalls, plaid shirts or patriotic shirts, and boots or even bare feet.

Women, you’re gonna be styling in any beer related apparel, kudos if you can add a pregnancy feature and an all important ankle monitor! Fake tattoos, cowboy boots and hats are always crowd pleasers!

FOOD:

Any good picnic starts with a good quality grill…

Now that the grill’s set, let’s talk food…

If you can’t find actual possum stew, any chunky stew will suffice. Or, you can work with whatever you have on hand…

But the spam fries are a got-to-have!

Add lots of beer, hot dogs for your more finicky crowd and some pork rinds and you’re good to go!

But don’t forget dessert…

GAMES & PRIZES:

If you made the possum stew from scratch…save the TAIL! You can play pin the tail on the possum!

And while you’re saving things…save those empty beer or soda boxes! You can stuff them with twinkies or ho-hos, add a few streamers–no reason it can’t be festive–and make a pinata!

And there’s practically no limit to the games you can create using a toilet seat, like horseshoes!

And don’t forget to reward your picnic guests with some great prizes for participating–bird feeders, wind chimes, flashlights or even back scratchers!!

So get your redneck on with confidence this summer!!

I came across this list the other day: The funniest Town Name in Each State by mentalfloss.com The list was posted in 2017, so hopefully the towns are still there!

1. ALABAMA // SCREAMER

2. ALASKA // UNALASKA

3. ARIZONA // WHY

4. ARKANSAS // SMACKOVER

5. CALIFORNIA // ROUGH AND READY

6. COLORADO // NO NAME

7. CONNECTICUT // HAZARDVILLE

8. DELAWARE // CORNER KETCH

9. FLORIDA // TWO EGG

10. GEORGIA // CLIMAX

11. HAWAII // VOLCANO

12. IDAHO // SLICKPOO

13. ILLINOIS // SANDWICH

14. INDIANA // SANTA CLAUS

15. IOWA // WHAT CHEER

16. KANSAS // GAS

17. KENTUCKY // BUGTUSSLE

18. LOUISIANA // UNEEDUS

19. MAINE // BURNT PORCUPINE

20. MARYLAND // BORING

21. MASSACHUSETTS // BELCHERTOWN

22. MICHIGAN // HELL

23. MINNESOTA // NIMROD

24. MISSISSIPPI // HOT COFFEE

25. MISSOURI // TIGHTWAD

26. MONTANA // PRAY

27. NEBRASKA // MAGNET

28. NEVADA // JIGGS

29. NEW HAMPSHIRE // SANDWICH

30. NEW JERSEY // LOVELADIES

31. NEW MEXICO // CANDY KITCHEN

32. NEW YORK // NEVERSINK

33. NORTH CAROLINA // WHYNOT

34. NORTH DAKOTA // CANNON BALL

35. OHIO // KNOCKEMSTIFF

36. OKLAHOMA // GENE AUTRY

37. OREGON // ZIGZAG

38. PENNSYLVANIA // INTERCOURSE

39. RHODE ISLAND // WOONSOCKET

40. SOUTH CAROLINA // KETCHUPTOWN

41. SOUTH DAKOTA // MUD BUTTE

42. TENNESSEE // DIFFICULT

43. TEXAS // DING DONG

44. UTAH // MEXICAN HAT

45. VERMONT // SATANS KINGDOM

46. VIRGINIA // BUMPASS

47. WASHINGTON // HUMPTULIPS

48. WEST VIRGINIA // LICK FORK

49. WISCONSIN // BOSSTOWN

50. WYOMING // CHUGWATER

Pat’s Note: I have been to Intercourse, PA…it’s not far from Blue Ball…have we got a sense of humor in PA or what?

In honor of Mother’s Day, today’s open will be a celebration of mothers–all kinds of mothers!

The patient ones…

The doting ones…

The protective ones…

and even the funny ones!

So whatever type of mom you have, wish her a Happy Mother’s Day!

Spring is a time of renewal, rebirth. A chance to clean the slate and start again. Sweep out the old and usher in the new…

Every spring, households across the country engage in a ritual called Spring Cleaning. Pre-covid, my ritual was simple yet satisfying. I would target an area in the house, clean and organize, and remove any unwanted or unnecessary items.

But, Post-covid, that wonderful process has completely fallen apart. An interloper has intruded onto the scene and is hindering my best attempts to complete my mission!

Just the other day I was spring cleaning the kitchen, the refrigerator specifically. Following the previously tested and approved process, I would remove all the items from a shelf. Then I would check the expiration date on the package…tossing those whose freshness had passed. The surviving items I would wipe with a clean cloth and after washing the shelf, put the cleaned items back.

But that was all destroyed by covid.. I was removing items, checking their freshness dates and tossing the bad ones into the trash. Or at least I thought I was. As I was tossing items in the trash, hubby–better known around here as the Interloper–was removing them!

“I can still eat this…” he’d say, removing a jar of garlic olives.

“But you haven’t yet…” I told him, taking the olives back and tossing them again.

“But I will now.”

And the olives were placed BACK on the shelf. A container of yellow mustard followed the same route…and he only eats Golden Mustard…back on the shelf it went.

Finally, I tossed a can of biscuits that had seen better days…nearly a month after it’s expiration date. The Interloper insisted HE would make them with our dinner that evening and removed them from the trash, smiling. I had my doubts, but I returned his smile. I was picturing the day he would be enjoying garlic olives, alongside his mustard covered biscuits!

UPDATE:

Later that afternoon, I was sipping some tea, enjoying a cookie (or 3), when I heard a gunshot!! Frantic, I jumped up and ran right into the Interloper–who had also heard the gunshot! Confused, we searched high and low but saw nothing or no one who could have fired a gun. The mystery, however, was solved when I opened the refrigerator…the dang biscuit can exploded all over my clean refrigerator!

Sigh…

Before we moved to upstate Pennsylvania, I lived and worked in the southeastern part of the state at a logistics company. They moved cargo and containers from ports and railways all across the country. I was the “Cash Applications Manager”…lol…fancy title I know, and I was friends with several other managers in the company.

One of my best friends there, Jane, and I would walk every day we could, right after lunch. The building we worked out of, was nestled in a small industrial section of Bethlehem, and was not far from a main thoroughfare in the city. One sunny afternoon, we were feeling pretty ambitious and decided to take the “long” way back the office.

I could smell the air changing as we walked and a puzzled look must have crossed my face because Jane asked me what was wrong. “Can’t you smell it?” I asked.

She looked around briefly, sniffed and said “Just Born.”

Just Born is the maker of the famous Peeps…and jelly beans…and all sorts of wonderful candy. On most days when we walked far enough, or the wind was blowing just right, we could smell jelly beans being made–the fruity smells filling the air!

Of course, Just Born also is the home of the famous Peepmobile!

Peeps are not to everyone’s taste, but I love them! I enjoy mine stale. I remove the plastic wrapping from the peeps and let them sit out for a while to develop a crunchy outside…YUM!