Category: Humor

Happy National Bad Poetry Day!

Goodness! There seems to be a “National Day” for everything, LOL.

From BOOKSTR.COM:

Today is National Bad Poetry Day, and since August is also Romance Awareness Month, we thought: why not share some of the worst love poems ever with you guys? Two birds, one stone, right? Let’s go!

The Perfect Love Poem

Every time 

I see your face

it reminds me

of you

(Source: poemsearcher.com)

Cheesy Reality

It was nothing like the movies

No cheesy pick up line

No accidental touch of hands

Not even and intense gazing.

Yet no movie or book can describe it

The moment when you notice things;

First, the tone of his voice

Second, the nonsensical gestures he makes.

These may be stupid and odd

But in that moment when “two” friends seriously talk

And suddenly look into each other’s eyes

Will you realize that shoot! You like him.

(Source: hellopoetry.com)

The Worst Love Sonnet Ever Written

If love be love be love, let love be love,

your kiss is like a strawberry meringue,

you are the hand and I your winter glove,

you are the song the singing singer sang.

Your eyes are like blue sapphires painted blue

that glitter like the stars of Bollywood,

you are the sausage on my barbecue

the only piggy part that’s any good,

If I were Shakespeare with a heart shaped quill,

I’d write a sonnet, heart shaped, like a heart,

my heart would be a heart shaped daffodil

and Cupid’s arrow be a heart shaped dart.

You are the sun in golden lingerie

the sunny sun that never goes away.

(Source: allpoetry.com)

Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue

Flowers are green,

Chicken and Steak.

You’re the hottest mistake

I’ve ever seen.

(Source: theodysseyonline.com)

Ode to Roxanne

Roses are red,

Your body is hot.

I’m big on romance.

Sadly, you’re not.

(Source: allpoetry.com)

SOURCE:BOOKSTR.COM

The Weirdest Law in Every State: Part 5

South Dakota: Fireworks approved to help with farming

Farmers in South Dakota have the green light to set off fireworks or explosives to protect their sunflower crops … as long as they are at least 660 feet away from the nearest church, home or schoolhouse.

Tennessee: You can’t lasso a fish

It should come as no surprise that if you’re fishing, you can use a rod and reel, hook and line or trotline. But in Tennessee, “use or possession of any other instrument for the killing, catching, or taking of fish or other aquatic life is expressly forbidden,” meaning a lasso, a basket, your hands or any other method is a no-go. You may get a warning, a written citation or a small fine if you’re caught (pun intended).

Texas: Keep litter on aircraft

It is illegal in Galveston, Texas, to throw litter out of an aircraft. Besides, using the blue bins is so much easier.

Utah: No missiles in bus terminals

Hurling a missile into a bus terminal is a felony in Utah—unless you are an appointed officer of the peace or commercial security personnel (see: mall cop).

Vermont: You can’t get rid of clotheslines

Vermont passed a dumb law just to say there would never be a law prohibiting the use of clotheslines. With the aim of preserving energy use from dryers, the law says that any landlord or homeowner who breaks the law may be subject to a citation or fine. Good to know.

Virginia: No skunks as pets

It’s illegal to have a pet skunk in more than 30 states in the U.S., and Virginia is one of them. No matter how sweet and cute they might be, you may get a visit from animal control if your neighbors see you feeding a skunk or walking it around on a leash. Man, this dumb law in the U.S. really stinks.

Washington: No Sasquatch poaching

It is illegal to poach a Sasquatch in at least two Washington counties. In 1991, Whatcom County declared its roughly 1 million acres of land an official Sasquatch Protection and Refuge Area, giving our nation its first Bigfoot sanctuary. While you may want to capture a Sasquatch if you manage to spot one, hunting Bigfoot is “punishable by a fine of up to $1,000 and/or a year in jail.”

West Virginia: No drones for bird hunting

Though a new law passed in West Virginia allowing hunters to use drones and hunting dogs to find wounded animals, this strictly applies to wild game and is prohibited for birds. Using a machine bird to hunt a real bird will most likely result in a hefty fine or a temporary suspension of your hunting license.

Wisconsin: Better make that butter delicious

Giving credence to its reputation as “America’s Dairyland,” Wisconsin’s bid for the dumbest law in the states demands that all cheese and butter produced in the state be “highly pleasing.”

Wyoming: Don’t buy junk from a drunk

Like Mama always said, “Don’t buy junk from a drunk.” In Wyoming, purchasing scrap “metals, rubber, rags or paper” from an intoxicated person is prohibited. The junk dealer may be fined a minimum of $50 or receive a sentence of no more than 60 days in jail. Take that junk to the junk yard!

SOURCE: READERSDIGEST.COM

The Weirdest Law in Every State: Part 3

Massachusetts: No remixing the national anthem

It is prohibited to change the “Star Spangled Banner” in Massachusetts, thanks to an excessively patriotic 1917 law. The statute reads that playing the national anthem as anything “other than as a whole and separate composition or number” or “as dance music, as an exit march or as a part of a medley of any kind,” comes with a fine of up to $100. Sorry, DJs!

Michigan: No seduction allowed

Sorry, singles. Michigan has a law on the books that states “any man who shall seduce and debauch any unmarried woman shall be guilty of a felony, punishable by imprisonment in the state prison not more than 5 years or by fine of not more than 2,500 dollars.” Luckily, this is one that’s never enforced, so swoon away!

Minnesota: No pig greasing

Winter in Minnesota can be long, but that’s no good reason to hold a greased pig contest in your parlor. Since 1971, it has been considered a misdemeanor in the state to operate, run or participate in any activity where a pig is oiled up and released with the object of being recaptured—and the same goes for “turkey scrambles.” Violation of this rule is considered a misdemeanor and may result in a small fine.

Mississippi: No limits on Big Gulp size

Mississippi believes in a person’s inalienable right to consume a Big Gulp. Following former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s contentious attempt to restrict the size of soft drinks sold throughout the city, Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant signed a law preventing his state’s lawmakers from enacting rules that limit portion sizes. Though this is a law, it isn’t enforceable, and patrons can only consume the sizes available at each establishment.

Missouri: Tarzans are not welcome

Prankish Tarzans, be warned: In University City, Missouri, it is illegal to “swing upon” another person’s motor vehicle and honk their horn for them.

Montana: No unauthorized “folfing”

Anyone who’s driven through Montana has inevitably wondered, “How far could I throw a Frisbee over the plains?” Those who seek answers should avoid Helena, where it is illegal to play “folf” (that’s “Frisbee golf”) anywhere not deemed a sanctioned “folf course.” Curiosity could cost you $500 or six months jail time.

Nebraska: No marriage if you have an STD

Technically, no person afflicted with a venereal disease is allowed to get married in Nebraska.

Nevada: Be selective with X-rays

Say what you will about the vice and commercialism of Las Vegas—at least they’re looking out for your feet. In Nevada, it is illegal to use an X-ray device to determine someone’s shoe size. Those who don’t comply may be looking at up to six months in jail and/or up to a $1,000 fine. You could use that money to hit the casino instead!

New Hampshire: No moonlight seaweed collecting

In New Hampshire, it is forbidden to collect seaweed from the beach at night, with the law stating: “If any person shall carry away or collect for the purpose of carrying away any seaweed or rockweed from the seashore below high-water mark, between daylight in the evening and daylight in the morning, he shall be guilty of a violation.” Yes, it’s unfair, but you should’ve thought about that before becoming a nocturnal sushi chef. Fortunately, it appears that breaking this rule won’t get you more than a warning.

New Jersey: No pumping your own gas

The Garden State has barred pumping your own gas since 1949 under the Retail Gasoline Dispensing Safety Act. To this day, it’s the only state in the U.S. that strictly prohibits non-gasoline operators from pumping gas. It may be considered one of the dumbest laws in America, but at least you can relax behind the wheel or pick up snacks while someone fuels up for you. And if you do manage to somehow handle the pump yourself, it’s the gas station that’ll be fined—not you.

SOURCE: READERSDIGEST.COM

Cinderella & the Ugly Stepsisters: Part 2

Continuing People’s parade of ugly bridesmaid dresses.

5 The Scarlett O’Hara

As God as her witness, she’ll never wear this dress again! We do declare our deepest sympathies for Providence, R.I., bridesmaid Jennifer, who was forced into crimson fabric with bows from here to the Mason-Dixon line. As Jennifer says, it’s “the worst thing that ever happened to me.” True, but remember Jennifer, tomorrow is another day!

4 The Cotton Candy Explosion

Bridesmaid Sammi was not tickled by the dress she wore to her sister’s wedding. “My sister is obsessed with pink and had a ‘pink’ wedding,” the Elmhurst, N.Y., resident writes. “Pink wedding dress, pink shoes, pink ties, pink center pieces.” The pièce de résistance? “This awful pink bridesmaid dress!” But like a good sister, Sammi held her tongue. “Since she loved the dress and we all love her, we happily donned this dress for her big day.”

3 The Little Mermaid

Yep, this has doubled as a Halloween costume. As bridesmaid Maggie tells us, she won second place in a costume contest for this dress she was forced to wear in an ’80s-themed wedding. “My sister has always been a big fan of the ’80s – sequins, big hair, gaudiness,” the Toledo, Ohio, native tells PEOPLE.com. “She actually found shoes, purses, jewelry, and nail polish to match this thing.”

2 The Real Wedding Shower

“The bride’s mother insisted on these horrendous iridescent blue monstrosities,” says Jennifer, a bridesmaid out of Meridian, Idaho. “The bows, the lace and the fabric itched like crazy.” But these maids didn’t have to just wear the dresses – they also had to perform! “We had to walk down the aisle with [the parasols] open and then when we got to the altar, we had to do a little choreographed move to close them.” You know what they say: When it rains, it pours!

1 The Kitchen Curtain

“I would love to see the dress that can beat this one,” writes Ginger of the flowered, curtain-style frock she wore as a junior bridesmaid in her aunt’s wedding. Although some came close, this bow-tied number was the clear winner. “There were actually adult women that had to wear the same dress, and I was mortified at the age of 12! I love my aunt dearly, and it may have been the early nineties, but this kind of dress was never in style.”

SOURCE: PEOPLE.COM

Cinderella & the Ugly Stepsisters: Part 1

Every bride wants all the attention on her wedding day and works very hard to be the most beautiful bride she can.  But some women find there’s an easier way to make the bride the star…and that’s to make the bridesmaids pale in comparison.  One way to ensure that is UGLY bridesmaid dresses…lol People had an article showcasing 10 of the worst bridesmaid dresses…take a look.

10 The Repeat Offender

Does this gown look familiar to you? “A lot of women over 40 told me they had one just like it,” Buffalo, Minn., bridesmaid Joanne wrote in to PEOPLE. We’ve definitely seen similar versions of the same dress. They’re all shiny, puffy – and despised. “I almost dropped out [of the wedding], that’s how much I hated this dress,” says Joanne. “I came to my senses and, of course, stuck with it for my best friend!”

9 The Tablecloth

Christine now admits that her flower-power wedding was more hippie chick than hippie chic: “I can’t believe, when I look at this picture now, what I was thinking!” the Moorpark, Calif., bride tells us of her 1976 nuptials. “I wanted a simple old-fashioned wedding, and I thought the fabric looked old-fashioned. My bridesmaids hated the material and tried to talk me out of it – but my mind was set.”

8 The Rainbow Connection

“The actual dresses aren’t really the problem here,” admits Amber of her cousin’s 1973 wedding. “Instead of picking one color for her bridesmaids, [the bride] decided to have a ‘rainbow’ wedding.” Although the wedding party looked like a package of Skittles, the Madison, Tenn., native admits that an the bridesmaids’ hats were an even bigger eyesore. “It was an indoor wedding, but the bride wanted head gear.”

7 The Pajama Game

Ah, the ’70s. When disco reigned, love was free and brides dressed their wedding party in pajamas. “I found this picture of my mother’s wedding,” writes Theresa from Rochester, N.Y., of the little blue flowers and tiny bows that overwhelmed her mom’s friends at her 1975 wedding.

6 The Foil Folly

“This was a big wedding.” recalls bridesmaid Janell – and she’s not even talking about the gigantic gold gowns worn by the bridesmaids! “Eight attendants each, and all the girls in gold!” Says the White Bear Lake, Minn., native of the frilly foil frock, “These were really shiny, extremely itchy and hot.”

Stay tuned for Part 2!

SOURCE: PEOPLE.COM

Happy Father’s Day!

Happy Father’s Day to all the fathers out there who had kids like me.  I never bought the tie or regular gift—I looked for something to make Dad laugh (cuz he always made me laugh).

Papa Bear Tumbler

Steak Timer Sign

Dad Joke Book

Pirate Bottle Opener

Mousetrap Cutting Board

Bullet Whiskey Stones

Whiskey & Cigar Glass

Personalized Cutting Board

Dad’s Ice Cream Bowl

Toilet Bowl Night Light

SOURCE: GIFTRABBIT.COM

“Here’s to the Bride and Groom…”

To finish off “wedding month”, I thought I’d share some suggestions I found for humorous wedding toasts. If you’re going to make a toast, perhaps one of these will inspire you!

Funny Wedding Toast Ideas 

Regardless of your role in the newlyweds’ big day, these one-liners and well-wishes are sure to garner some laughs.

“May your children be blessed with rich parents.” 

“Let’s raise our glasses to the two secrets of a long-lasting marriage: a good sense of humor and a short memory.”

“May all of your ups and downs be only in the bedroom.”

“Our happy couple really struggled to find someone to give a speech today. They asked their most attractive friend first, and they said no. Then they asked their smartest friend, who also said no. After that, they went to their funniest friend, and the answer was still no. So then they asked me, and I couldn’t turn them down for a fourth time!” 

“May you both live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live.”

“May you never lie, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie with each other. And if you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink with us. Cheers to the newlyweds!”

“Saying ‘I do’ at your wedding is like clicking the ‘I accept’ box any time a new piece of software on your computer or phone asks you to read its terms and conditions: You do it despite having no idea what will come next. Congratulations on your marriage!”

“Let me leave you with one piece of advice. Never laugh at your spouse’s choices. Remember: They also chose you. Cheers!”

“May the most you wish for be the least you get.” 

If those anonymous toasts didn’t inspire you, perhaps some advice from famous folks will!

“The secret to a good marriage is to be a little deaf.” — Ruth Bader Ginsburg 

“Marriage is not just spiritual communion. It is also remembering to take out the trash.” — Dr. Joyce Brothers

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” — Charles Schulz

“Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.” — Henry Kissinger

“To keep your marriage brimming with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.” — Ogden Nash

“For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end.” — Catherine Zeta-Jones

“If you’re wrong and you shut up, you’re wise. If you’re right and you shut up, you’re married.” — Unknown

“Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.” — Unknown

“If at first you don’t succeed…try doing it the way your wife told you.” — Unknown

“The secret to a happy marriage remains a secret.” — Henny Youngman

“A man is incomplete until he’s married. After that, he’s finished.” — Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Love is sharing your popcorn.” — Charles Schultz

“Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” — George Burns

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times—always with the same person.” — Mignon McLaughlin

CHEERS!

Wedding Gifts Misses

June is a BIG month for weddings! If you’ve got one coming up and you’re not sure what to buy the happy couple as a wedding gift…this article I found on People.com can help! …with what NOT to buy!

From People:

A recent bride is seeking community after receiving an “extremely odd” wedding gift. 

The Redditor took to the platform’s “Wedding Shaming” forum after one of her oldest friends gifted her and her partner “surprise vinyl toys” for their big day — despite her never having expressed interest in the collectible figures. 

To make the gesture even more peculiar, the poster said that she “didn’t ask for gifts” and simply requested their friends’ “presence as it was a small party and we were well aware that our guests were required to take time off to be with us.”

“It just felt extremely odd and not an appropriate wedding gift,” she added of the toy, clarifying that it wasn’t even the popular Labubu doll that has taken over the internet.

While the bride ultimately brushed off the odd encounter and planned to re-gift the toys to her young nieces, she asked other recent brides in the thread if they’d had similar experiences with unconventional gifts. She was not disappointed with the responses. 

In the comments, Redditors recounted their experiences receiving everything from a handful of tomatoes to a pair of scissors, ill-fitting bed sheets, a dirty banana stand, and even a piece of dried coral that someone had spray painted turquoise.

One user in particular said that their mother-in-law’s friend had gifted them a bag of junk to celebrate the couple’s nuptials. 

“Among the refuse we got: a dingy old jewelry box covered in crayon scribbles, one chipped bowl, a fake Amber necklace with beads the size of chestnuts, and stained pillow covers,” the user wrote.

In another case, one newlywed had her best friend, who was also in her wedding party, gift her a “weird pewter butterfly wine stopper” — even though the bride doesn’t drink alcohol. And while she was “perplexed” upon unwrapping the accessory, she never brought it up again. 

“One of my co-workers gave me a word processing program on a Zip drive and several books related to our field. I’m pretty sure mine was the only wedding he’s ever been to. It was strange, but also very endearing!”

One bride recalled receiving a “hideous chunky chrome frame that still had a piece of the previous bridal gift wrap attached to it and a set of four coffee mugs with apples on them that had a to: from: card inside. Yes the gift giver was the original to:. If you’re going to re-gift at least be sly about it.”

For others, however, a gift that seemed ridiculous at first soon became something they reached for quite often.

As another user explained, “I had an aunt gift us the brightest colored handmade bowl cushions. You set your hot bowl of soup in them so you can carry it. They go with nothing that we own and are an absolute eyesore. We use them frequently.”

SOURCE: PEOPLE.COM