
We all want what’s “BEST” for our parents, but in our rush to protect and make things better, we sometimes overstep our good intentions. My mom has always had a problem with her knees. After being dared by her older brother (my uncle who owns the property next door to Mom) to jump the fence between their homes and landing awkwardly on one knee, it has been an on again/off again knee problem for many, many years. Damp weather or cold weather makes it worse, but for the most part she gets around just fine. In her recent years, she has taken to using a walker to keep herself steady because she doesn’t want to fall.
After Dad passed and before she started with the walker, she used to be active outside. She’d rake her leaves, clean her windows and even do some limited gardening. Then one afternoon, she discovered her good aluminum ladder was gone from the woodshed. Since my brother and his wife were the last visitors she’d had, she called them and confronted them about the ladder. Their first reaction was to deny it. When she persisted, they giggled. Then they confessed that they didn’t want her to climb ladders anymore. She was furious. First, they lied to her. Second, they treated her like a child. Despite their good intentions, mom felt, in a word, gaslighted.

Times have changed since then, and my brother and sister-in-law have problems of their own and have less time to do things for Mom. My cousin who lives next door with my aunt and uncle has stepped up and so has a younger neighbor of my mom’s. They will get groceries for her or take her along if she’s up to it; they run her to doctor’s appointments and do other odd errands and chores for her. She feels lucky to have them. She does, however, reward them financially for everything they do. (But there are times, she insists, they refuse any money.)
Mom comes from a family of 17 children, so she knows what it feels like to have very little of her own. To that end, after she married, she helped all the siblings who came behind her as much as she could. She saved things constantly, telling me so and so might be able to use this. But now, in her later years, she is tired of the clutter in her house and wants to get rid of things. So my visits have been trying to declutter her rooms and make it easier for her to move about more freely.

Mom has not been able to go into her upstairs or down into her basement since she started using the walker, so she has relied on others to get or take things from those places and it’s been her niece and neighbor friend. During the last 2 visits with Mom, she’s made comments about missing some things she’s sure she still had. Now, I know my mom—she freely gives things to anyone if they need it. But she doesn’t remember giving these items away. Could it be a memory issue? Sure, she’s not a young lady anymore. But that incident with the ladder is haunting her—she isn’t sure that one of the people who have keys to her home (for emergencies) isn’t taking things without permission. Out of sight, out of mind. Again, Mom insists, if someone asks, she’d surely give it to them. But this is making her feel unsafe in her home.
This last visit, I confirmed that this is not all in her imagination. The last trip we made in December, we discussed certain items I told her were still in one room upstairs. Four Lipton Tea cooler sets she sent box tops to get years and years ago. (The set was a cooler—one man lunch kind of thing—and a good thermos on the top in a space made just for it.) She had 4 of them with the thermoses on top. This visit, the thermoses were gone, except for one lid and cup laying on a dresser. The coolers were still there though. Both my cousin and her friend had been upstairs in the interim.

I didn’t have time to search the entire upstairs for these thermoses so I can’t positively accuse anyone. Our next visit will be a more concerted effort to find them. But we spent one whole day cleaning the other room. I started with taking pictures of each side of the room and showing her those. Then bringing down items and boxes and detailing their contents. Then I drew a “map” of where everything was placed. I will compare that list/map to what’s there next time. That will at least help Mom’s mind, I hope. And if something is moved or gone, we can discuss other options…nanny cams perhaps?












































































