SIGH…

From GOODHOUSEKEEPING.COM:

More Card Games

Wait…a Card?

More Dinosaur Stuff

Harvey the Heart Had Too Many Farts…REALLY?

ANOTHER Card?

Toilet Paper

Vouchers

Carnivore Jerky Bouquet

Life Would Succ Without You Succulent

Hmmmm…Best Friends Coloring Book

Irritating Coffee Mug

Glitter Heart TOILET BOMBS

Hot Buns Potholder

Edible Cellphone

Love Oracles Cards

SOURCE: GOODHOUSEKEEPING.COM

Now this?  This is funny…LOL

Happy Valentine’s Day!

February is a very romantic month. Florists and jewelers do their best to get men caught up in the moment—maybe leading to some beautiful, some unusual and some downright stupid proposals. The following are some excerpts from an article on ELITEDAILY.COM.   Some made me laugh, most made me shake my head and a few made me wonder who raised these guys.

From: ELITEDAILY.COM:

Bad Food Proposals

My best friend just got engaged and when her SO proposed they were in a little french deli. She had just put a massive mouthful of pie in her face when she saw he had got down on one knee. She was so shocked she spat the pie out all over herself, all over him, all over everything. She just sort of nodded … it was very like her to do something like that so it’s all fine but still … I don’t think he was expecting pie in his face.

I knew a guy who was at McDonalds with his girlfriend one time, and as a joke he wrapped a fry around her finger and said, “Will you McMarry me?” She started crying and called her mom and like started planning the wedding the next day. He hadn’t meant to propose but he didn’t have the heart to tell her so, so he just married her.

Bait & Switch

Saw a couple in a jewelry store when my wife and I were looking. Guy asks to see a ring, kneels, “will you marry me?”. She flips….ohmygod!ohmygod!ohmygod!ohmygod! yes yes yes!! He says “great!” then hands the ring back to the employee and tries to leave the store. He proposed with a borrowed ring. Tries to explain to the girl he couldn’t afford the ring but wanted to propose correctly. She slaps him so hard my face hurt (she put her whole body into the slap) and starts screaming about how her mother was right, etc. etc. No clue if they ever got together, but it was hard to watch.

Charming

My dad stuck the ring in a stick of deodorant, then told my mom she needed to use it. Small argument ensues when mom tells dad she does not need it.

Awkward

Pilot here. Guy asks me to fly him and his SO over a field, where 150 people had formed a heart and two rings. Huge show, I was really impressed. When she saw it, her response was: “Look at all those idiots! How ridiculous is that??” He did not ask his question that day.

I proposed on a dinner cruise and told her I was gonna throw her overboard if she said no. The couple next to us interrupted to ask if she needed help.

This will never be seen, but it’s too good not to mention. My friend’s girlfriend knew he had purchased a ring, and could not have been more excited about it. So when he told her to dress up nice, because he was taking her out for a fancy dinner, she was over the moon. All through the meal, she sat giddily on the edge of her seat. They had appetizers, dinner, dessert, and then… got back in the car to go home. Finally, she said, “What’s going on? Why aren’t aren’t you proposing?”

He apologized, and said he planned to, but the ring hadn’t gotten re-sized yet. She was crushed. Fast-forward a couple of hours, and they were lying in bed at the end of the night. My friend turned to his lady and said, “You should touch my penis.”

“No,” she said. “I’ve had a really disappointing night, and I don’t exactly feel sexy.”

“You should touch my penis.”

“No! You’re drunk, it’ll take forever!”

“You should touch my penis.”

“FINE!”

The ring was under his balls.

And to think, you believed romance was dead.

SOURCE: ELITEDAILY.COM

Sometimes you just don’t feel romantic just because it’s the middle of February.  For those people—and I am one of them—here’s a list of funny Valentine’s Day gifts to make that someone special in your life laugh.  (And to me?  A guy who can make me laugh, IS sexy and romantic!)

From GOODHOUSEKEEPING.COM:

Hubby Tumbler

Valentine’s Fork

Flip Decision Coin

Gnomes

Dinosaur in a Glass

Beard T-Shirt

Whiskey Glass

Candle

Golden Girls Roses

Romance Game

Socks

Beer Greeting Card Box

Video Game T-Shirt

Keychain

More Socks

SOURCE: GOODHOUSEKEEPING.COM

We all love to hate Walmart, but they have some…uh…unusual products and gifts you can’t find anywhere else.  I found this particular list at Reader’s Digest.

From Reader’s Digest:

Sometimes your baking creations look like crap, but this time it’ll be on purpose! Your kids will love these whimsical—and completely icky—poop emoji silicone molds, which can be used for cake, candy, ice cream, and more. The very thought of poop-shaped food might make you cringe, but at least the pan is well-made: It’s heat-resistant up to 500 degrees and also dishwasher safe. Do you truly need a poop-emoji cake pan? It’s debatable (to some people).

Pickle-Ice Freeze Pops

Move over, strawberry and grape—there’s new ice-pop flavor in town. These pickle-flavored freeze pops from Van Holten’s are supposedly good for athletes since they have added electrolytes. We’ve also heard they’re really good for hangovers. (Just saying…)

Shark Boxers

These “bite me” shark boxers are really funny…in a biting way. Perfect for any guy on a birthday or holiday, these undies will keep him laughing all year long.

Huggle Socks

Are they socks? Are they slippers? Who cares—they’re amazing! With a cable-knit exterior and a super soft fleecy interior, these socks will keep you warm and cozy on even the coldest nights. Plus, they have silicone grips on the soles, so you won’t slip and slide around your house.

Golden Garden

The girls have been immortalized! Sophia and the gang can hang in your kitchen and show off their wild, ever-growing “hair.” If you want to adorn your home with more pop-culture icons, Chia also offers Dustin from Stranger Things and the always-adorable Baby Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy.

Pink Animal Slippers

Why bother with regular old slippers when you can get fierce with a pair of pink, fluffy, ginormous animal slippers? They’re unisex, and they come in 11 styles—including traditional tiger, grizzly bear, and dinosaur—and a variety of sizes, so your whole pack can enjoy!

GoGo Pillow

We’re not sure why you need a pink leopard travel pillow that doubles as an iPad holder, but maybe we’re just not using our imaginations. This multitasking product is apparently good for at home or on the gogo, and you can plug in your headphones and kick back jungle-style.

Microwave Bacon Cooker

Think you know how to make bacon? Think again. Let us introduce you to the Bacon Wave, a microwave bacon tray that promises to cook your pork to crispy, juicy perfection. If that wasn’t all, this magical bacon holder cuts down on grease and calories, so you can pig out to your heart’s content.

Pink Octopus Coffee Mug

There’s so much to say about this bright pink octopus mug but so little time! After all, nothing says “good morning” like a tentacled, bright-eyed cephalopod filled with caffeine. Perhaps it’s just the pure shock of seeing the squid that helps wake you up. Whatever it takes, my friend, whatever it takes.

Aztec Secret Indian Healing Clay

This throwback beauty product has been around for decades and launched sometime in the ’80s. The packaging still looks from that era, but that might be part of its charm. Celebs and influencers, including Mindy Kaling, have shouted out love for this product, dubbed the “world’s most powerful facial.”

Beacon of Light Cremation Urn

So apparently, Walmart carries a whole line of caskets and urns. Who knew? The collection is reasonably priced, in true Walmart fashion, and we are really feeling this Beacon of Light cremation urn, which features a dreamy lighthouse set against a colorful sunset. We’ll pay our last respects by saying, “Groovy, man.”

Animal-Shaped Flower Pot

We don’t know why, but these animal-shaped flower pots just crack us up. From a snoozing polar bear to a playful panda to a funky chicken, these succulent flowerpots made from resin are sure to bring cheer to any room or office.

Dog Nail Polish

Pooches often get treated like royalty, but this kind of takes the doghouse. This puppy nail polish from Fancy Finish comes in 20 dynamic doggy colors like Poodle Pink and Shimmer Champagne, and it promises to be “paw safe.”

Pain in the Butt Diaper Rash Cream

Ouch! This diaper-rash cream has the BEST.NAME.EVER. Pediatrician-approved and made with all-natural ingredients like aloe and tea tree, this protective butt cream will help baby stay dry—and hopefully make mama laugh as she tries to get through her day. Even better? You might be able to borrow this diaper cream for yourself for a completely unrelated use.

Funny Graphic T-Shirt

This shirt is just saying what we’re thinking, right? It’s perfect for the gym, or better yet, for those days you skip your workout. Plus, it comes in eight colors, so you have lots of ways and styles to get your lazy point across. This shirt will make you laugh—and that’s a good thing.

Biker Gnomes

People have populated their backyards with garden gnomes for centuries. Many cite Germany as the inventor of the gartenzwerge —or “garden dwarf”—since it’s a country with a rich, mystical forest culture of trolls, gnomes, fairies, and the like. This modern biker version from Walmart might not quite be what the early gnome creators had in mind. But hey, to each his gnome! This could be the perfect housewarming gift for the right person.

SOURCE: READER’S DIGEST

Seems like there’s a day for EVERYTHING and today is National Rubber Ducky Day. With a day with such significance in our history (laugh, laugh), I wanted to reshare my rubber ducky story.  When we put our pond in, my granddaughter was fairly young.  She wanted to swim in it, until we told her there were fish in there.  Then she decided she’d rather fish the pond. 

I went on Amazon to see what kinds of fishing poles we could order for the both of us.  She sat beside me and didn’t like any of the ones Amazon offered, so we searched for other water activities.  She settled on rubber duckies. (She wanted to have races across the pond.)

The ones I picked out were really cool—they were actually for bath time.  If the water is too hot, the rubber ducky shows this message on the bottom:

They came in a package of 12 and I ordered them right away.  I knew they wouldn’t get to our house by the time my family left, but they would be there for the next visit.  About a week later we were headed down the driveway to do some grocery shopping when I saw something strange at our delivery box.  (We cannot have regular mail or packages delivered to our address by the postal service, but we could purchase a box to have those things delivered by delivery companies.)

The closer we got, the easier it was to see that no one had opened our box—the door was ripped off!  The package was on the ground and ripped open on one corner.  A rubber ducky was laying on the grass with teeth marks in it!  Apparently, a bear smelled the box of duckies and thought they smelled scrumptious, but one attempted bite proved they were not edible.

I’m guessing the delivery driver had just eaten or something similar and he had the smell on his hands because we couldn’t detect any smells on the ducks or the plastic wrapping they came in.

Happy Rubber Ducky Day!

Beano for Fast Gas Relief

Even if your loved one does have gas, the holidays might not be the time to bring it up. Instead, get them this book of basic yoga poses. It’s bound to include “Wind-Relieving Pose.” Maybe they’ll be inspired to take a yoga class.

On second thought, maybe throw in the Beano, too — to help them avoid an awkward moment in Downward-Facing Dog.

“Lose Weight with Your Mind,” by Jonathan R DeLeon

Just don’t. Even if you think you’re helping. Even if you think you’ve pinpointed the source of your loved one’s weight problem, and it’s definitely their mind.

Instead, give them kitchen essentials that will help inspire healthy cooking. (Research shows that people who cook their own meals tend to eat healthier.) This cookbook by Yotam Ottolenghi has inspired thousands of people to experiment with Israeli-influenced recipes, and incorporate new and healthful ingredients.

“Charlie Chaplin” Mustache that Closely Resembles Another Mustache

Just don’t. Unless someone in your life is an avid Charlie Chaplin role-player. Otherwise, this could get very weird.

A Guide to Polyamory For Your Parents

Don’t give your parents any ideas. (Perfect thing to give your sister in front of her new boyfriend, though.)

Stretch Mark Cream

In case you missed it: Stretch marks are cool. This artist uses glitter to turn stretch marks into body art. Spread the word — and give your loved ones biodegradable glitter to celebrate their own unique markings.

Nose & Ear Hair Trimmer

This gift will make your loved one wonder how much their nose hair has been bothering you. It also looks like a torture device.

Instead, you could get them a lighted bathroom mirror. This magnifying mirror will help them discover their jungle of nose hair on their own.

Earrings for Someone Without Pierced Ears

I’ve never gotten around to piercing my ears. Whenever someone gives me earrings, I mumble gratefully, then invent ways to avoid trying them on. (“Do I smell something burning?”)

Today, many people have “gauged ears.” These enlarged openings can’t hold normal earrings either. If you’re going to buy someone earrings, try to make sure they can actually wear them. Otherwise, get them a necklace. Everyone has a neck.

“Sexy Native American Costume”

Nope. “When a group like Native Americans have clung onto their culture in the face of genocide… it’s tone-deaf not to realize how damaging it is just to adopt that clothing for a night,” the Independent explains. Buy any of the thousands of other costumes on Amazon instead.

Very Specific “Exercise Weights” for Your Wife or Girlfriend

If you get these as a suggestive gift for your partner, you’re clearly a douche (another product, incidentally, that would make a terrible Christmas gift).

“Old Georgia State Flag” That Bears Uncanny Resemblance to Other Flag

Don’t buy this flag. If you seriously don’t understand why not, read more work by Ta-Nehisi Coates.

“The 7 Irresistible Qualities Men Want In A Woman: What High-Quality Men Secretly Look For When Choosing The One,” by Bruce Bryans

Author Bruce Bryans considers himself an expert on high-quality men. Bryans — who, according to his author bio, enjoys “manly things” — clearly spends a lot of time thinking about “high-quality men.” To please them, he explains, you must first pass the man’s “physical appearance test,” which is “specific to his personal tastes.” But then you must be “far superior” to other women in the surrounding area.

Um. Yikes. This book could really screw people up. Instead, let’s remind young women that they don’t need to be “superior” to anyone else — and that no one is “inferior” to them, either. Let’s encourage girls to lift each other up, instead of tearing each other down.

“101 Things Your Dad Never Told You About Men: The Good, Bad, And Ugly Things Men Want And Think About Women And Relationships,” by Bruce Bryans

Turns out Bruce Bryans has written many, many books about high-quality men. He also may have some issues. “Let’s face it; your Dad probably couldn’t tell you exactly how to be a good wife or a good girlfriend,” his promo text reads. “Maybe the topic of how to please your husband in bed would have been too awkward… Whatever the reason, your good old Dad probably never told you the ugly truth about what men want from women.”

Um. This author may have misunderstood the role of dads. Or misjudged how most people learn about pleasing their spouse in bed. (Hint: We don’t learn it from our dads.) If you’ve even considered buying this book, you should probably seek psychiatric help immediately. In the meantime, check out this guide to the best gifts for college students, where you’ll find something great for the young person in your life. While you’re at it, you might want to buy this other book by the yoga teacher and healing expert Ana Forrest — for yourself. You might actually need a self-help book — and, as we’ve learned, you are really the only person who can decide that for yourself.

And as always, when you’re stumped, you really can’t go wrong with Christmas socks.

SOURCE: HEAVY.COM

25 Worst Christmas Gifts: How to Offend Everyone on Your List

I found a funny article on Heavy.com detailing WORST Christmas gifts ever and I had to share! I removed all the links for the “gifts” she recommends and/or mentions, but they can be found at the link at the bottom.

From Heavy.com:

I’ve been known to give the worst Christmas gifts ever. I once gave my brother and his then-pregnant wife what I thought was a baby hat, which later turned out to be an oven mitt. (In my defense, no one in that town spoke English, and that quilted triangle could be worn on an infant’s head.)

It’s even worse when your gift hurts someone’s feelings. As a kid, I gave my dad plus-sized pajama pants, because I thought they looked comfy. (They were a few sizes too large.) The incident has gone down in family lore.

To help you avoid similar mishaps, I’ve compiled what I’ve learned about the worst Christmas gifts.

They usually fall into a few major categories: gifts that highlight someone’s perceived flaws (like acne products and weight-loss supplements); gifts that reveal how little you know about the recipient (like getting a dog leash for someone who doesn’t have a dog); and — my personal favorite — misguided self-help books.

(There is no category for accidentally giving someone an oven mitt for their baby. That’s just something that can happen if you get stoned while Christmas shopping in a foreign country.)

If you, too, have realized you’re a terrible gift-giver, don’t worry: Redemption is possible. For each of these mistakes, we’ve provided alternate gifts your loved ones will truly appreciate.

Read on to avoid giving the worst Christmas gifts.

 A Very Pointed Self-Help Book

Bonus points if you give this to your boss. Self-help books can make for awkward gifting. (When I was 19, I unwrapped my Christmas gifts to find multiple books on how to overcome your “quarter-life crisis” — which I wasn’t aware I was having. It would’ve been a lot cooler if I had received one of these great books for 20 somethings.)

The intentions are good: You want to help someone. But instead of highlighting their shortcomings, choose a book with practices or insights that could help them grow — or, um, stop being a jerk — on their own.

 “How to Text Men: The Ultimate Guide to Learn How to Text a Man and Make Him Beg for Your Attention”

This totally real, non-ironic book includes “word-for-word texts” to “make him CRAZY for you.”

If you use these texts, he won’t be the only one who’s CRAZY. “Discover how to make men BEGGING for your attention with brilliant texts,” reads the promotional text. Don’t give this to anyone. (Unless it’s a joke gift for your hilarious and proudly single friend.) Again, you might mean well: Maybe you want to help your friend find a good man, and she keeps screwing it up by sending kooky texts. But maybe your friend is actually doing just fine. Maybe she’s just not that into men. Maybe she enjoys spending time with herself.

Instead of helping her find a man, you could help her enjoy her solo time. Maybe she could pick up a new hobby, like vaporizing. Check out our guide to the best vaporizers. Or, buy her some organic CBD oil instead.

Sweat-Absorbing Armpit Pads for Your Sweaty Coworker

Got a super-sweaty coworker? Maybe they’re sweaty because they drink too much coffee. (Caffeine stimulates sweat production. This is a real problem. Um, I’ve heard.) Get them some mushroom coffee. It contains half the caffeine of normal coffee — and it may provide a less jittery buzz, in addition to other benefits.

Super Creepy “Revenge” Voodoo Doll

Don’t buy this doll. Even if you believe someone deserves revenge. The doll comes with pins you can stick on its different labels, which are designed to inflict various levels of revenge, ranging from “serious canker sores” to “deeply lonely life.” If your friend is wishing for someone else to have a “deeply lonely life,” they probably need therapy. But since you can’t give them that — at least not with a bow tied on it — give them John Prine’s “Sweet Revenge” album instead. His lyrical music and sense of humor might actually help them untangle their anger issues.

“How to Text Men: Texts That Will Make Him Want You”

Amazon offers many how-to books about texting men. (Any of them could make for the worst Christmas gifts ever.) This book’s cover features a woman who clearly needs author Joshua Bell’s advice on how to attract men. Bell promises to teach us “the ONE thing that will make him go crazy… and beg for your attention.” Later in the book, Joshua (who, according to his author bio, has an English degree), will teach us “the truth about the morning text and the good night text.” Wow. Can’t wait.

Please don’t buy this book for anyone — no matter how often they fumble their flirty texting. Instead, get her a rose quartz crystal, which is believed to aid in matters of the heart. She will definitely get better advice from a rock than from this book.

“The Attraction Blueprint: The Counterintuitive Approach To Attracting Any Woman You Want” by Sebastian Castaneda

According to this book, you can attract any woman with some simple psychological manipulation. (It’s easy!) This could make for a joke gift for a buddy who reads on their morning commute. Otherwise, don’t buy this book for anyone. The promotional text starts off by mentioning Freud, for reasons that remain unclear. Then it gets downright creepy: “Fear must be used as a source of absolute power. Do you want the power to hand select any girl you want? […] Do you want to get something from a woman without even having to ask?”

Um, ew. Somehow this book was published in 2017, by which time most of the general public had at least heard of the concept of consent. There’s not much information about the author, which I’m guessing is because he’s in jail. Just kidding. I have no idea where the author is. But still — don’t buy this book. Instead, check out this book produced by comedian John Oliver. It’s a children’s book about a rabbit, so it’s intended for a higher reading level than Castaneda’s manipulation handbook.

Any Book by This Disgraced Former TV Star

On a list of worsts, this book takes the cake. Apparently, Bill Cosby considered himself an expert on romance. In the book’s first sentence, Cosby says the first step towards romance is “learning to lie” to yourself. (Red flag much?) Don’t buy this book — even for a gag gift. Unless you’re buying all the available copies, and burning them in a bonfire while videotaping it. That actually might be a cool gift.

Maybe you should check out our gift ideas for women in their 20s. Any of them would be a better gift than this book — regardless of whether the recipient is a twenty-something woman or not. If you’re looking for a book written by a TV star, check out Chelsea Handler’s new book instead. I’m pretty sure she hasn’t drugged anyone. Except herself.

“Come on, People: On the Path from Victims to Victors” by Bill Cosby

Cosby actually did know something about victims — just not the kind he wrote about in this book. He chastises those who drop out of school or accept welfare, and reserves particular scorn for black men who end up in prison (where he himself would finally be incarcerated in 2019). Cosby shamed individuals while ignoring the systemic racism that ravaged their communities. He promoted this myth for years. To learn more about why that Cosby-style argument is wrong (aside from the obvious), check out any work by Ta-Nehisi Coates.

Cat Toys for a Person Without a Cat

If you give this to someone without a cat, you may leave them feeling confused. Even if you think it looks fun to play with. It’s possible that you are just obsessed with cats. (Or on drugs.) If you’re determined to give a cat-related gift, but you can’t remember whether or not your friend is a fellow cat person, check out this book, “How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety.”

Only fellow cat-owners will be able to put this advice to use, but everyone with a sense of humor will appreciate this book — regardless of where they fall on the political spectrum. Or the cat-person spectrum.

Your Suggested Birthing Plan for Their Pregnancy

Giving your friend this DVD would be a huge mistake. Nobody has a DVD player anymore. But even if your friend both owns a DVD player and is also pregnant, their birth plan is probably none of your business. (Bonus weirdness points if you get this for someone who’s not pregnant.) It’s nice that you want them to feel good. But maybe get them something less intrusive, like this herbal tea sampler.

“Face Mask for Sagging Skin & Double Chins”

Don’t point out your loved one’s double chin. Not even in a fun, you-look-like-Santa sort of way. Of course, some skincare gifts are awesome. Snag this body butter instead. It’s luxurious, lavender-scented, and — best of all — it doesn’t scream “you’re aging poorly.”

A Book You Think Will Improve Their Marriage

A general rule for better gift-giving: Avoid anything that seems custom-made for Donald Trump to give to Melania. (Well, if he wasn’t afraid of books.) “Men are right,” this book’s promo text reads. “Men want closer marriages just as much as women do, but not if they have to act like a woman.” This book has it all: misogyny, stereotypes, and permission for men to behave badly. If you’re looking for advice on living in a superficial pretend-marriage, this book is for you.

But if you want to help someone deepen their actual marriage? Maybe help them find a hobby that fosters togetherness instead. Like cooking.

Cosmetic Teeth to Conceal Their Real Teeth

You might need some fake teeth of your own, after you try to give this cosmetic tooth kit to someone. If your loved one has dental problems, remember to recognize their inner beauty. Then practice compassion: Dental problems can cause sufferers stress, anxiety, and pain. CBD could help alleviate their dental discomfort. Buy them a soothing CBD tincture instead. Then watch out for all the (real) smiles.

SOURCE: HEAVY.COM

25 Worst Christmas Gifts: How to Offend Everyone on Your List

(For those of us suffering from family overload and food overload…an open to make you laugh.)

Shop till you drop…or order on line and veg out to Christmas movies!