Happy Mother’s Day!

“Just What I Never Wanted…”

Wondering what to get Mom for Mother’s Day this year? Well, surprisingly enough, there’s plenty of articles about what NOT to get Mom. Here’s one I found at scarymommy.com. Enjoy!

From scarymommy.com:

It is a fact not scientifically proven that all moms just want to be given at least a handmade card and then be left the f alone on Mother’s Day. It is not a day in which we want to be given nothing. We want our lifelong, never-ending, 24/7 efforts to be recognized, damnit. But of course, as with everything else, our day inevitably won’t always go to plan; that is scientifically proven.

So we asked you, our dear readers, on both Facebook and Instagram for the absolute crappiest gifts you’ve ever gotten for Mother’s Day, and you didn’t disappoint. Below, in no particular order, are some of the best worst responses we got.

No matter what happens this year: We here at Scary Mommy see you, and appreciate you.

“A pedicure with my mother-in-law”

“Olive oil because my husband thought I’d “really like the bottle it came in.”

“First mother’s day my husband gave me $50 to get that “grill I’ve been talking about.” Yeah, I put it together and made dinner on it too. It’s taken over 20 years, but he’s gotten better”

“A dog hair remover brush”

“Pajamas four years in a row… Please get me anything else.”

“A card that the child was meant to decorate but she was a month old so it was just plain white”

“Deodorant. I actually had wanted to try this new brand, but NOT as a gift”

“A Lazy Susan for the pantry. My husband had also already gotten me a Lazy Susan for Christmas”

“Wiper Blades”

“A gift card for a golf course my husband likes to play at. I don’t golf. Obviously he used it.”

“A mother’s day card after I miscarried. The thought was nice but it hurt more than anything at that point”

“The line that I’m not HIS mother so he doesn’t have to get me a gift”

“An offer to spend “quality” time with my kids by taking them out for a special activity that I would choose and arrange. I’m a stay-at-home mom. So I was offered: Nothing. Absolutely nothing different than I do every day. Yay. Yes, he really thought he was giving a good gift.”

“A vacuum and not a great vacuum either.”

Responses have been lightly edited for clarity.

SOURCE: SCARYMOMMY.COM

Happy Birthday Jeff!

Today is Jeff Dunham’s birthday. Born in 1962, Jeff is a very talented ventriloquist who has traveled all over the world with his puppets!

My Peeps!

I happen to LOVE peeps, but I know that I am probably in the minority…lol. I found an article sympathizing with those who do not share my love of peeps detailing things to do with them.

From: Symplistically Living:

Got Peeps? First off, I’m sorry and secondly, if you don’t enjoy Peeps there are several things to do with Peeps besides eat them and we’ve got the list to prove it.

Throw them in the trash

Peep Bouquet

Make a Peeps Easter Wreath

Make a Tealight Vase

In cognito Peep (Dress them Up!)

Make a Peeps Dress

Make Marshmallow Peeps Play Dough

Make a Cigarette Holder

Make Peeps Jewelry

Now, if you really want to get creative with Peeps leave them out for a few days to harden and you can use them for all sorts of things like:

A door stop

A paperweight

A pin cushion

Use them as a squishy (can you say, stress reliever?)

Use them as Cornhole game pieces

Make puppets on sticks with them

Microwave them for a fun experiment

Decorate your mantel with them

Make a Keychain out of them (it’d be hard to lose your keys after this)

Use them as garden markers (use sharpies to write on them)

Use them as land markers while hiking

Use a bunch of them as balloon weights

Use them to teach your kids math

Put them in the bath and see if they sink or float (experiment)

Use them as packing material instead of packing peanuts

Make bookmarks (attach them to the end of a popsicle stick)

Freeze them and use as an ice pack

Pencil top decoration (glue them onto the end of a pencil)

Make Peeps Race Cars

SOURCE: SIMPLISTICALLYLIVING.COM

Walmart…Again

In honor of Walmart founder Sam Walton’s birthday (born March 29, 1918, died April 5, 1992) I present more images from Walmart. Brace yourselves!

Hooves

Hanging Pockets

A Customer & His Doll

Display Headphones (Gross!)

Fashion

Werther’s

Ahhhh…???

Just…WHY??

Foul Hair

Handcuffs?

Dogs Out

Pets

Photoshoot?

WTH???

More Pets

UM…What?

More Carts

Sure, Why Not?

Prick of the Year Award

People Watchers

Customer of Year

SOURCE: KNOWYOURMEME.COM

At Last…Spring

Tired of Winter?

SIGH…

My Funny Valentine: Part 2

From GOODHOUSEKEEPING.COM:

More Card Games

Wait…a Card?

More Dinosaur Stuff

Harvey the Heart Had Too Many Farts…REALLY?

ANOTHER Card?

Toilet Paper

Vouchers

Carnivore Jerky Bouquet

Life Would Succ Without You Succulent

Hmmmm…Best Friends Coloring Book

Irritating Coffee Mug

Glitter Heart TOILET BOMBS

Hot Buns Potholder

Edible Cellphone

Love Oracles Cards

SOURCE: GOODHOUSEKEEPING.COM

Now this? This is funny…LOL

Happy Valentine’s Day!

I DON’T!

February is a very romantic month. Florists and jewelers do their best to get men caught up in the moment—maybe leading to some beautiful, some unusual and some downright stupid proposals. The following are some excerpts from an article on ELITEDAILY.COM. Some made me laugh, most made me shake my head and a few made me wonder who raised these guys.

From: ELITEDAILY.COM:

Bad Food Proposals

My best friend just got engaged and when her SO proposed they were in a little french deli. She had just put a massive mouthful of pie in her face when she saw he had got down on one knee. She was so shocked she spat the pie out all over herself, all over him, all over everything. She just sort of nodded … it was very like her to do something like that so it’s all fine but still … I don’t think he was expecting pie in his face.

I knew a guy who was at McDonalds with his girlfriend one time, and as a joke he wrapped a fry around her finger and said, “Will you McMarry me?” She started crying and called her mom and like started planning the wedding the next day. He hadn’t meant to propose but he didn’t have the heart to tell her so, so he just married her.

Bait & Switch

Saw a couple in a jewelry store when my wife and I were looking. Guy asks to see a ring, kneels, “will you marry me?”. She flips….ohmygod!ohmygod!ohmygod!ohmygod! yes yes yes!! He says “great!” then hands the ring back to the employee and tries to leave the store. He proposed with a borrowed ring. Tries to explain to the girl he couldn’t afford the ring but wanted to propose correctly. She slaps him so hard my face hurt (she put her whole body into the slap) and starts screaming about how her mother was right, etc. etc. No clue if they ever got together, but it was hard to watch.

Charming

My dad stuck the ring in a stick of deodorant, then told my mom she needed to use it. Small argument ensues when mom tells dad she does not need it.

Awkward

Pilot here. Guy asks me to fly him and his SO over a field, where 150 people had formed a heart and two rings. Huge show, I was really impressed. When she saw it, her response was: “Look at all those idiots! How ridiculous is that??” He did not ask his question that day.

I proposed on a dinner cruise and told her I was gonna throw her overboard if she said no. The couple next to us interrupted to ask if she needed help.

This will never be seen, but it’s too good not to mention. My friend’s girlfriend knew he had purchased a ring, and could not have been more excited about it. So when he told her to dress up nice, because he was taking her out for a fancy dinner, she was over the moon. All through the meal, she sat giddily on the edge of her seat. They had appetizers, dinner, dessert, and then… got back in the car to go home. Finally, she said, “What’s going on? Why aren’t aren’t you proposing?”

He apologized, and said he planned to, but the ring hadn’t gotten re-sized yet. She was crushed. Fast-forward a couple of hours, and they were lying in bed at the end of the night. My friend turned to his lady and said, “You should touch my penis.”

“No,” she said. “I’ve had a really disappointing night, and I don’t exactly feel sexy.”

“You should touch my penis.”

“No! You’re drunk, it’ll take forever!”

“You should touch my penis.”

“FINE!”

The ring was under his balls.

And to think, you believed romance was dead.

SOURCE: ELITEDAILY.COM

My Funny Valentine: Part 1

Sometimes you just don’t feel romantic just because it’s the middle of February. For those people—and I am one of them—here’s a list of funny Valentine’s Day gifts to make that someone special in your life laugh. (And to me? A guy who can make me laugh, IS sexy and romantic!)

From GOODHOUSEKEEPING.COM:

Hubby Tumbler