Category: Humor

Happy New Year’s!

When my children were young, on New Year’s Eve we would each make a resolution, and a prediction about what would happen in the New Year and place those in a sealed envelope.  At the end of the year, we would open the envelope and see whose prediction came true and who kept up their resolution the longest.  The older the kids got, the more savvy they got with their predictions (as in “I will break my resolution first” type of thing…lol) Oh, did I mention the $20 prize for the closest prediction? 

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.

New Year, same me—because I’m already fabulous.

I will try to remember where I left my keys at least once a week.

Master the art of parallel parking (or continue to avoid it).

Develop the ability to remember names, even if it’s just my own.

I will strive to say ‘no’ more often… unless it involves dessert.

I promise to keep up with the latest technology, even if I have to ask my granddaughter for help.

I will strive to eat more greens, even if they’re just the M&M kind.

I promise to stretch regularly, reaching for the snacks on the top shelf counts, right?

I’ll try to remember to take my vitamins, or at least convince myself that gummy bears are a suitable substitute.

I vow to embrace my inner child and jump in puddles whenever it rains – because adulting can be overrated.

Cheers to the new year!

Fashion Fails

I found this blog–THE SCOTTCAST–and this blog post had me laughing my butt off. I am reblogging it–and i hope it all shows–because THIS was GENIUS!!!!!!!

Michelle Obama Bizarre Fashion Fails – 35+ in This Best of the Worst Collection

Mo’ like, First Lady of Fashion Faux Pas! As the joke goes, “That was no lady, that was Michelle Obama!”

HER GREATEST FASHION REGRET??? – Honestly, both she and her fawning media sycophants have no self awareness whatsoever if ‘Class vs Crass Fashion™’ is it!

Given her impeccable wardrobe, Michelle Obama doesn’t have many fashion regrets.

———————————-

Above Clown Layer Cake Fashion™ via Moonbattery. (IMPORTANT REQUEST: If anyone can find out if this beggar dressed in the exact same clothes is real, update me!)

Above Evil Fairy Fashion™ via Moonbattery.

Above ‘Hottest Politician’s Wife, Rly Rly’ Fashion™ via Moonbattery.

Above Octopus Fashion™ via myself.

Above Grinch Fashion™ via Moonbattery.

Above Upholstery, Dark Nun and Romaine/Sea Slug Fashions™ via Pop Hangover -Michelle Obama’s Top 12 Fashion Fails.

Above Black Widow Spider Fashion™ via Moonbattery.

Above Oil Spill Dress While Visiting Gulf Oil Spill Fashion™ via Moonbattery. Variations mockery here!

Above Class vs Crass Fashion™ via Moonbattery.

Above Gaudy & Garish at Solemn Posthumous Ceremony Fashion™ via I Hate The Media.

Above Dusty Old Jedi Master Fashion™ via Moonbattery.

And more:

Above Patchwork Plaid Fashion™ from Huffington Post which also covers her fashion disrespect towards royalty.

Above Scare-mazon Fashion™ via Moonbattery.

Above Granmama Is Not Happy Fashion™ via Moonbattery. Check out the excerpted comments too!

Above Words Fail Me Fashion™ via Moonbattery.

Oh wait, someone found the words:

Above Ugliness Costs $695 Fashion™ via Moonbattery.

Above Slapped Together in Pitch Darkness Fashion™ via Eye on the World tipped by wits0, with remarks at Moonbattery.

Above Totally Blending In, Not at All a Propaganda Arrangement, I’m Sure This is How the Commoners Dress When They Shop at Their Commoner Outlets Fashion™ via AoSHQ.

Above Everyone Must Sacrifice Especially During This Mega Recession With Persistent 15% Real Unemployment So I’m Only Wearing $42,150 of Diamonds Fashion™ via Moonbattery.

Above Zebra/Convict Fashion™ via Moonbattery.

Above Leaned Against Wet White Paint Fashion™ via Moonbattery (kudos for the hat tip too).

Above Gobble gobble gobble, gobble gobble gobble Thanksgiving Turkey Fashion™ via Moonbattery (kudos for the hat tip too) viaiOwnTheworld.

Above Spiders/Old Lady’s Missing Sofa Fashion™via Moonbattery.

Above Unhappy Harlequin Fashion™via Moonbattery.

Above About To Rip At The Seams Fashion™via Gateway Pundit. See also comparison to Ann Romney’s fashion prices.

Above Somebody’s Living Room is Missing Its Curtain Lace Fashion™ via The Washington Free Beacon via AoSHQ

Above Nananana Nananana Bat-Michelle Fashion™ via The Blaze.

Above Laze-Around-Home Santa Grinch Fashion™ via JWF.

Above Heavyweight Champion Poledancer Fashion™ via The Black Sphere.

Above Most Scandalous Waste of Money Award Fashion™ via Capitalists on Facebook.

Above Disregarding the Dress Code in a Cathedral (Dare Her to Try That in a Mosque) Fashion™ via BPR.

Above Crappy Dress Sense, Literally Fashion™ via Rebel.

Above three Death Glares of Jealousy™ via Moonbattery and The People’s Cube on tip by Hutchrun.

And here’s the full context of one of the above Death Glares of Jealousy™ :

Following Doggone Imperious Dinner™ from Chicks on the Right and Twitchy:

Above $12,000 Pompous Pomp-And-Dour Fashion™ via Moonbattery on a tip from hutch.

SOURCE: THE SCOTTCAST

Ho-Ho-Ho Or HAHAHA

I found a website (homerungifts.com) detailing some humorous gifts to give this Christmas!

A pirate cork screw

Porn for Women Book

(Note: This gift is rated PG!  It’s merely lots of pictures of men doing housework with smiles on their faces.)

Time Man of the Year Mirror

BS Button

Willy Warmer

Fake Stick-on Outlet Covers

Prank Gift Box (nothing included inside)

Funny Parking Notes

Motivational Profanity Pencils

Check out the entire list of gifts at the link.  (Most gifts are available at amazon.com)

70 Funny Gag Gifts That Will Make Everyone Laugh (2025)

Let’s Talk Turkey!

From Williamsonsource.com website:

Cooking a turkey for the Thanksgiving meal can be overwhelming. Butterball Turkey hotline has been assisting home chefs for over 30 years. And in that time, you can imagine that they have had some pretty interesting questions.  Here is a list of the most interesting questions they have been asked over the years.  If you need that hotline, it’s open on Thanksgiving, call 1-800-288-8372 from 7am-7pm and normal hours are from 9am-7pm daily. This year, Butterball has also added the option of texting.  Now through Thanksgiving, you can text the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line experts 24/7 at 844-877-3456.

1. So I’m looking at a turkey from 1969 sitting here in my father’s freezer … any tips on the best way to cook a 30-year-old bird?
A man found a turkey in his dad’s freezer from 1969. The Talk-Line suggested the man throw out the old turkey and purchase a new one. Then, the Talk-Line suggested to cook the turkey in the open roasting pan method.

2. How do I roast my turkey so it gets golden brown tan lines — in the shape of a turkey bikini?
A strange request in deed, but the Talk-Line can help in any turkey situation! The experts helped to create a “bikini look” by using aluminum foil in certain places on the turkey.

3. How to carve a turkey when all of its bones have been broken?
A proud gentleman called to tell the staff how he wrapped his turkey in a towel and stomped on it several times, breaking the bones so it would fit in his pan. The experts wouldn’t recommend this approach — if you have several folks coming to your holiday meal but a small pan, the Talk-Line would recommend trying a different method, maybe deep frying the turkey. Or, buy two smaller turkeys in place of a large one.

4. I carved my turkey with a chainsaw … is the chain grease going to adversely affect my turkey?
A gentleman called to tell the operator he cut his turkey in half with a chain saw and wanted to know if the oil from the chain would adversely affect the turkey. The Talk-Line wouldn’t recommend serving a turkey with chainsaw grease! Instead, let your turkey rest at least 20 mins after cooking to make carving easier. Then, using a carving knife you would find in your kitchen.

5. Why does my turkey have no breast meat?
A disappointed woman called wondering why her turkey had no breast meat. After a conversation with a Talk-Line operator, it became apparent that the woman’s turkey was lying on the table upside down. The Talk-Line experts recommend cooking your turkey breast side up in the open roasting pan method. This will give you a flavorful turkey and make it easier when transferring your turkey to a plate so you don’t have to flip it over.

6. It’s my first Thanksgiving and I have a tiny apartment-sized oven … how much will my turkey expand when cooking?
A new bride cooking Thanksgiving dinner for the first time in a small, apartment-sized oven, wanted to make sure her turkey wouldn’t expand during cooking (as baked goods do) and get stuck in the oven. Rest assured, your turkey will not expand in the oven. But be sure to use a pan with at least 2″ sides so your turkey juices don’t spill over during the cooking process … you want to save the juices for turkey gravy.

7. How do I get my turkey to stop sudsing? Is a soapy turkey recoverable?
A first-time Thanksgiving chef called after she had washed her turkey with dish soap. You don’t have to clean your turkey, simply pat the extra juices dry with paper towels before stuffing or roasting the turkey – quite a bit easier than washing with soap!

8. For the sake of delicious smells, can I cook my turkey over the course of four days?
The Talk-Line doesn’t recommend slow-cooking your turkey over the course of multiple days. You are able to use a slow cooker if needed, but experts would recommend 6-8 hours in the slow cooker. If cooking in the oven, it should only take a few hours to cook

9. How do I baste a pre-basted turkey?
Some folks love to baste the turkey while it’s cooking. If you’re one of them, the Talk-Line suggests basting only a few times during the cooking process so you don’t continuously let out the heat of the oven.

10. My turkey thawed on my lap … can I eat it?
A gentleman won a turkey at the casino, and brought it home on the bus where it had thawed. The safest way to thaw your turkey is in the refrigerator — it takes one day for every four pounds of turkey. The Talk-Line experts wouldn’t recommend eating a turkey that has been thawed in warmer temperatures.

Freedom Fries

From Mental Floss:

Taylor writes: I’m a high school student and my history teacher just told us about how the United States once called French fries “freedom fries” to spite France. Please tell me he’s joking.

Yes, there was a time when some Americans decided to call French fries “freedom fries”—embarrassingly, a number of those people happened to be elected officials in the U.S. House of Representatives.

In early 2003, the United States was in the midst of a (rather unsuccessful) attempt to drum up worldwide support for a potential war with Iraq. While cobbling together a “coalition of the willing,” many historical allies of the U.S. said, “Nope.” One notable dissenter was France, whose officials had been vocally opposed to the imminent conflict. “As we’ve said from the outset,” French Foreign affairs Minister Dominique de Villepin said in January 2003, “we will not join in military intervention that did not have international support… We believe that military intervention would be the worst solution.”

By March, the course had been set. The UN couldn’t find evidence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, but the United States made it clear that invasion was inevitable. War fever grew, and “with us or against us” found its way to the U.S. House of Representatives cafeteria. Rep. Bob Ney, an Ohio Republican who was chairman of the House Administration Committee and therefore in charge of operations for the Capitol complex, ordered that the word “French” be removed from all affiliated menus. French fries would become “freedom fries,” French toast “freedom toast.” According to the New York Times, “The action was unilateral.”

Barely a week before U.S. forces (along with troops from the U.K., Australia, and Poland) officially invaded Iraq, a sign was placed in the Longworth House Office Building food court that read, ”Update: Now serving in all House office buildings. Freedom fries.”

“This action today is a small, but symbolic effort to show the strong displeasure of many on Capitol Hill with the actions of our so-called ally, France,” Rep. Ney said at the time.

The idea for the change came from North Carolina Representative Walter B. Jones, who was inspired by Cubbie’s, a restaurant in his home state that had earned a little bit of press after deciding to rename their fries. Jones passed the suggestion on to Rep. Ney, who instituted the change.

When reached for a statement by the Times, a French Embassy spokeswoman said, ”I wonder if it’s worth a comment. Honestly. We are working these days on very, very serious issues of war and peace, life or death. We are not working on potatoes.” She also noted that French fries are, in fact, Belgian.

This wasn’t the first wartime name-switch in U.S. history. In the late ’50s, the Cincinnati Reds became the “Redlegs” in light of the McCarthy era and the Red Scare. During WWI, German measles were dubbed “Liberty Measles.”

Neal Rowland, the owner of Cubbie’s, said his decision to update the menu was inspired after learning about some of these decades-old name-switches. He is pictured above, outside of Cubbie’s. According to Yelp, his Beaufort, N.C. eatery no longer exists.

Rep. Bob Ney resigned from Congress in 2006 for his role in the Jack Abramoff corruption scandal. (Ney was eventually sentenced to 30 months in jail.) Upon leaving his post as chairman of the House Administration Committee, all the menus in the Capitol and connected buildings were changed, and French fries were finally served again.

SOURCE: MENTAL FLOSS