Dad Jokes

Humor 1 Minute

My Dad always had a joke to tell. Even when he was in the hospital, he kept the nurses laughing at his jokes–it was one of his gifts. June is the month to celebrate Dads and where we would be without those Dad jokes?

Why are most people tired on April 1? They’ve just finished a 31-day March.

How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.

What do clouds wear beneath their pants? Thunderwear.

What kind of bagel can travel? A plain bagel.

What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!

Why did the girl bring a ladder on the bus? She wanted to go to high school.

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.

How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.

Why shouldn’t you play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.

Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.

A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!

What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.

What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.

What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows

What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.

How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.

Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.

What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs.

The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

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Published by pat frederick

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112 thoughts on “Dad Jokes”

    1. Morning, Pat! Partly cloudy here, 68. It’s not supposed to be as hot today with a predicted high in the mid 80’s. I didn’t fill Wheezer’s bowl last night so there was just one layer of food on the bottom of the dish. She was apparently waiting just outside this morning for me to open the interior door. Within seconds, she was sitting next to her bowl looking at me like…”Well???” I grabbed her dish and went to fill it, shutting Jake in the BR at the same time. I reached out my hand and she got close to sniffing my fingers before backing off. She ate and is now sleeping on the chair in the SW corner of the patio.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Morning Filly!
        i had 2 orioles–one make, one female and a grosbeak on the railing when i took the jelly out. they all flew–and i watched to see who would come back first. it was the grosbeak!
        soon as he left tho, the orioles stormed the jelly–lol–2 males one on either side which is unusual for here. mostly we get one at a time.

        Liked by 1 person

        2. The Grosbeak appears to have a more substantial/blunt beak than the Oriole and a thicker body:

          Male Orchard Oriole

          Male Grosbeak

          Liked by 1 person

  3. Garland’s statement after the contempt vote in the House

    Here’s the full statement from Garland:

    It is deeply disappointing that this House of Representatives has turned a serious congressional authority into a partisan weapon. Today’s vote disregards the constitutional separation of powers, the Justice Department’s need to protect its investigations, and the substantial amount of information we have provided to the Committees.

    I will always stand up for this Department, its employees, and its vital mission to defend our democracy.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. and some responses:

      And yet you’ve prosecuted people like Steve Bannon and Peter Navarro for this same exact thing.

      — CHIZ (@CHIZMAGA) June 12, 2024

      Merrick Garland belongs in prison.

      He deserves the same treatment that J6ers get.

      — Philip Anderson (@VoteBidenOut) June 12, 2024

      And you call Trump a dictator. This fauxministration ignores Congress and the Supreme Court consistently then saddles the taxpayers with the burden of any costs. Every last one of you should be removed from office. More than half of you belong in prison.

      — ‘ (@Bellisima_3) June 12, 2024

      Liked by 1 person

  7. mass psychosis

    mass psychosis

    June 13, 2024 12:29 am

    A Michigan judge has declared that the election manual issued by the Democrat Secretary of State to local election officials is unconstitutional and violates state law. The judge is also requiring strict signature verification for mail-in ballots in the upcoming 2024 election.

    https://countylocalnews.com/2024/06/13/michigan-judge-declares-election-manual-unconstitutional-michigan-judge-declares-democrat-election-manual-unconstitutional/

    Liked by 1 person

    1. and yet there’s laws against this…

      negasht7

      June 13, 2024 2:44 am

      Reply to  FJB

      Not that laws or codes mean much these days, but here the one for “§1323. Unlawful bringing of aliens into United States”:

      https://uscode.house.gov/view.xhtml?hl=false&edition=prelim&req=granuleid%3AUSC-prelim-title8-section1323&num=0&saved=%7CKHRpdGxlOjggc2VjdGlvbjoxMzI0IGVkaXRpb246cHJlbGltKQ%3D%3D%7C%7C%7C0%7Cfalse%7Cprelim

      You can go to “next” on the menu under the search bar if you want to see more immigration codes that are being ignored.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Liked by 1 person

  14. Just The News: “A group of 17 state attorneys general, led by Kansas Attorney General Kris Kobach, filed a lawsuit against the Biden administration this week over a rule that allows temporary farm workers in the country on H-2A visas the power to unionize. Federal law bans American farm workers from collective bargaining.

    “Once again, Joe Biden is putting America last,” Kobach said in a statement. “He’s giving political benefits to foreign workers while American workers struggle in Biden’s horrible economy. I stand with American workers.”

    Filed on June 10 in the Southern District Court of Georgia, the complaint argues that the new rule from the U.S. Department of Labor is a rewrite of the National Labor Relations Act and that only Congress has the power to amend the NLRA.

    Kobach contends that the new rule creates a situation where many temporary, foreign migrant farmworkers would have the power to unionize, unlike millions of American farmworkers — treating the foreign workers better than the Americans.

    The lawsuit says that the U.S. Department of Labor thinks the Immigration Reform and Control Act (IRCA) allows it to make this new rule. Yet, the state attorneys general think differently. They contend that it doesn’t allow the department to provide H-2A visa workers with better working conditions than their American counterparts.

    “The final rule goes above and beyond to provide… rights to H-2A workers. These are rights American farmworkers explicitly do not have under federal law,” the complaint reads. “…The final rule is simply a backdoor so that the agency can achieve a policy goal that requires legislation that it cannot convince Congress to pass.”

    The lawsuit consists of two private agricultural organizations, plus attorneys general from Kansas, Georgia, South Carolina, Arkansas, Florida, Idaho, Indiana, Iowa, Louisiana, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Texas, and Virginia.

    One can read the court filing here.”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. i was reading about this the other day. once the maggot overruled the decision by the supreme court saying he could NOT “forgive” student debt (and he did it anyway) and nothing happened to him, his administration saw a green light to do whatever they wanted. they think they’re above the dang law!

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Just The News: “Maryland state police claimed in a report on Wednesday that Pennsylvania Sen. John Fetterman was responsible for the two-vehicle crash on Sunday, which wounded Fetterman and his wife Gisele, and the driver of the other vehicle.

    The senator, a Democrat, was allegedly speeding while driving a Chevrolet Traverse west on Interstate 70, when he hit the rear of a Chevrolet Impala. All three people in the crash were taken to the War Memorial Hospital in West Virginia for their injuries, though Fetterman was only treated for a bruised shoulder.

    A witness of the crash claimed she saw the senator speed past her on Interstate 70, just before the exit for Interstate 68, and that he was going “well over the posted speed limit,” according to CBS News. He crashed into the rear of the Impala just moments later. The speed limit on I-70 is 70 mph.

    “This was an unfortunate accident and I’m relieved and grateful that there were no serious injuries. I need to do better and do it slower – and I will,” Fetterman said in a statement, per the outlet.

    Neither driver was tested for alcohol or drugs after the crash, and no citations have been issued. The driver of the Impala has been identified as a 62-year-old woman, but her name and condition have not been disclosed.

    The senator thanked people for the well-wishes in a social media post on Monday, from their Pennsylvania home in Braddock. “Not the best way to spend our 16th wedding anniversary but we’re doing well and happy to be back home in Braddock with the family,” Fetterman wrote.”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. i was following this story since it happened. at first the initial story i read was HE crashed into the impala. then the next story on yahoo i believe (main stream media for sure tho) was that he was HIT by the impala…so i wasn’t sure which it was. thanks for this!

      Liked by 1 person

  16. https://apnews.com/article/puerto-rico-primaries-discrepancies-voting-problems-machines-8019db17829c7b1fbae5fb3fde623a4b

    Our Take: In a devastating blow to the election narrative, Dominion Voting machines caused a primary disaster in Puerto Rico earlier this month. The very last line of this AP article is critical, as it affirms many of the independent cyber expert opinions about voting tech vulnerabilities:

    ‘More than 6,000 Dominion voting machines were used in Puerto Rico’s primaries, with the company stating that software issues stemmed from the digital files used to export results from the machines.’

    In other words, Dominion admitted that a corrupted digital file for exporting election results changed the outcome of the election. What protections are there against corrupted digital files entering the system?

    A pinky promise. Our election system is highly centralized. Centralization creates complexity. Complexity breeds and hides corruption. Notably, we were sold this centralized complexity under the guise of accuracy and security. That was just another lie. Like ‘machines can’t connect to the internet,’ and ‘there’s no foreign involvement in US elections.’

    It’s always been a pinky promise of trust. Should we accept a pinky promise from people who always lie? — Ashe in America

    Liked by 1 person

  21. What a little sneak Wheezer is!!! She was curled up, seemingly sound asleep, on the chair on the patio when I went out to water a couple of plants out front that are under the eaves. And, of course, I got distracted pulling weeds and thinning the trumpet vines. When I came back inside, I walked thru out to the patio with the watering can. I looked over and she wasn’t in the chair any more so I started to look outside for her and she comes running out of the house behind me! She immediately sat down and started nonchalantly cleaning herself….”Who, me??? I didn’t do nuthin’!”

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Jeff Clark
    @JeffClarkUS
    Yes, the letter is inaccurate on the basic claim of no prosecutions in connection with executive privilege invocations. President Trump claimed privilege over our communications and I am both being prosecuted in Georgia by Fani Willis AND the DC Office of Disciplinary Counsel has called for my bar license.

    It’s amazing that when it’s President Trump’s executive privilege it’s just a speed bump, but when it’s Joe Biden’s (even when he claims it as to an audio tape where a transcript was already released, vitiating privilege), it’s sacred and must be honored.

    Total double standard. The mainstream media doesn’t call out the Biden Administration on these things, however.

    izDonna
    @donwill94062871
    This reasoning is SO hypocritical.
    They STRIPPED Trump of executive privilege rights.
    Meadows, @JeffClarkUS
    are currently being prosecuted
    Navarro is in JAIL…
    https://thehill.com/homenews/house

    Liked by 1 person

  24. today is opinion day at SCOTUS…here’s one already

    Wethal

    June 13, 2024 10:12 am

    SCOTUS ruled unanimously that the doctors challenging the FDA’s relaxed regulations on the abortion pill had no standing to challenge the regulation. The doctors were not required to prescribe it, so they had no standing to challenge other physicians or pharmacies making the pill available.

    Expect lots of lefty gloating.

    Like

  25. Huh….a possible source of the phrase “I was just joshing you!” Watching an episode of Mysteries at the Museum, which claims this story is factual. According to the CoinWeek website, this is most likely a myth. But if it’s factual, that was one hell of a con!!!

    EXCERPT: “The Liberty head or “V” nickel was released in 1883. The denomination was marked by a large “V” on the reverse; the word “cents” was nowhere to be found. The three cent piece of the time was labeled in the same way, with a large Roman numeral three and no mention of “cents”. The story goes that after the nickel’s release on February 1, Josh Tatum, a deaf-mute in Boston, found a way to capitalize on the new and unfamiliar design. He asked a pawnbroker and second-hand jeweler to plate 1,000 of the new nickels in gold. The design was similar enough to that of the $5 gold piece circulating at the time that he believed he could pass them off as such.

    He succeeded. He would go to small stores and purchase a single five-cent cigar, then hand over one of his gold-plated nickels. Store owners would assume it was worth $5 and give him $4.95 back in change. He eventually had more plated and began making his way from Boston to New York. According to the legend, he made approximately $15,000 this way before being arrested.

    Vintage Cash Register

    It wasn’t long before the government changed the nickel design mid-year to add “cents” to the reverse. Josh Tatum was taken to court by all of the storeowners he had cheated, but he wasn’t convicted. Seeing as he had never requested change back or stated that he was giving them a coin worth $5, it was the store owners who had made the mistake and cheated themselves out of money. However, a law was soon passed outlawing the defacement of US coins, such as gold-plating.”

    https://coinweek.com/fact-or-myth-josh-tatum-and-racketeer-nickels/

    Liked by 1 person

  26. Just The News: “The Supreme Court on Thursday rejected a challenge to the abortion pill mifepristone, meaning the commonly used drug can remain widely available, according to NBC News.

    The high court found unanimously that the group of anti-abortion doctors that questioned the Food and Drug Administration’s decisions making it easier to access the pill lacked legal standing to sue, according to NBC News. 

    The 9-0 decision did not address the group’s underlying legal argument about whether the FDA acted lawfully in lifting various restrictions, including one making the drug obtainable via mail. As a result, the  ssues could return to the court in another case.

    Another regulatory decision left in place means women can still obtain the pill within 10 weeks of gestation instead of seven, NBC News also reports.

    The ruling comes two years after the conservative-leaning court overturned the landmark abortion rights decision Roe v. Wade, which led to new abortion restrictions in conservative states.”

    Liked by 1 person

  31. “There is little doubt that this plane, designed as a medium range, light-weight attack bomber designed to carry a 2,500 lb. bomb load, saved our asses in the Pacific during the war. Estimates are that there are only 10 or 11 of them still flying today.”

    Liked by 1 person

  32. “Wendy Munson, a second-grade teacher at Nuestro Elementary in Live Oak, was arrested in October 2023 on driving under the influence (DUI) and child endangerment charges after another staff member accused her of being drunk in class. Munson’s blood alcohol content was found to be two times the legal limit, investigators said. 

    Ya gotta read this and then explain it to me, ’cause I’m a fuckin’ idiot (according to my wife) who thinks this prosecutor should be driving an ice cream truck. The story’s here…”

    Liked by 1 person

      1. “It is not illegal to teach drunk,” she said, adding that prosecutors could not prove that Munson drunk-drove to work. “There was the possibility that she drank after she arrived at the school.”

        Liked by 1 person

  33. “This Florida Man sneezed his ass off. Literally. He did…

    This is crazy. The story has been told by numerous news outlets including the New York Post, NPR and was even documented in the American Journal of Medical Case Reports. The Post actually started their article with the line ‘This bowel-saving surgery is nothing to sneeze at’. I thought my lead-in was better, but anyway, surgeons have successfully placed part of a Florida man’s colon back into his body after it fell out following a forceful sneeze. The 63-year-old was enjoying breakfast at a diner with his wife when the unusual incident occurred. MSN did an article on this story that explains what happened. It’s here.”

    Liked by 1 person

  34. Just The News: “House Administration Committee Chairman Bryan Steil on Thursday subpoenaed 15 Biden cabinet officials for documents related to “Bidenbucks,” President Biden’s executive order to turn as many federal agencies as possible into get-out-the-vote centers across all states.

    On May 15, Steil requested the Cabinet secretaries provide materials regarding their work on Executive Order 14019, often referred to by critics as “Bidenbucks.” However, Steil has not received the requested documents, resulting in his issuing the subpoenas.

    “Elections are partisan, but our election administration should never be partisan. Allowing federal employees from the Biden Administration to flood election administration sites threatens election integrity and reduces Americans’ confidence,” Steil said.

    “This Executive Order is another attempt by the Biden Administration to tilt the scales ahead of 2024. I will continue working to provide transparency and accountability on this Administration’s latest scheme as Congress did not appropriate taxpayer funds for partisan activities.”

    “Bidenbucks” alludes to “Zuckerbucks,” the roughly $400 million from Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg widely alleged to have been funneled through left-leaning nonprofits to turn out the Democratic vote in the 2020 presidential election. 

    According to Biden’s executive order, “The head of each agency shall evaluate ways in which the agency can, as appropriate and consistent with applicable law, promote voter registration and voter participation,” including “soliciting and facilitating approved, nonpartisan third-party organizations and State officials to provide voter registration services on agency premises.” 

    Liked by 1 person

  38. doj didn’t intervene when they SHOULD have. FEC has jurisdiction over election finance crimes
    FTA
    Republican FEC Commissioner Trey Trainor will testify Thursday about the Department of Justice’s (DOJ) “dangerous” failure to intervene in Democratic Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg’s prosecution of former President Donald Trump.

    During the House Judiciary Committee’s hearing on Bragg’s case against Trump, Trainor will explain that the DOJ’s decision not to intervene in the case sets a “dangerous precedent of local prosecutorial overreach in matters of federal concern” and unpack how Bragg “usurped the jurisdiction that Congress has explicitly reserved for federal authorities” when he attempted to enforce campaign finance law. A violation of federal campaign finance law was one of three possible crimes Bragg alleged Trump sought to cover up by falsifying business records.

    Trainor, in testimony obtained exclusively by the Daily Caller News Foundation, argues that the Biden DOJ should have intervened when Bragg, a local prosecutor, effectively sought to enforce federal campaign finance law, arguing its failure to do so made Trump’s trial a major focus of the 2024 election.

    https://thelibertydaily.com/fec-commissioner-questions-dementia-joe-dojs-dangerous-decision/

    Like

  42. Just The News: “A Michigan judge partially ruled against Democratic Secretary of State Jocelyn Benson’s lenient guidance on signature verification, following a lawsuit brought by the Republican National Committee.

    On Wednesday, Michigan Court of Claims Judge Christopher Yates ruled “that the ‘initial presumption’ of validity in signature verification of absentee-ballot applications and envelopes mandated by the December 2023 guidance manual” issued by Benson “is incompatible with the Constitution and laws of the State of Michigan.”

    The RNC, Michigan Republican Party, and the National Republican Congressional Committee filed the lawsuit.

    RNC Chairman Michael Whatley said in a statement Thursday, “This RNC legal victory confirms the importance of mail ballot safeguards in Michigan’s Constitution. The Secretary of State’s covert attempts to sidestep these rules were rightfully rejected by the court, exposing that her attacks on election integrity have no substance. This win is just the latest development in our ongoing fight to promote fair and transparent elections in the Great Lakes State.”  

    Benson had issued guidance in 2020 “to local election officials that included a presumption of validity for voters’ signatures on absentee-ballot applications and absentee ballots processed at the local level,” the court explained in its ruling. The Michigan GOP sued over the guidance, which was struck down by the court in March 2021.

    However, Benson then issued new guidance in 2022 that included presuming the validity of voters’ signatures after the ruling. Following the 2022 guidance, in Benson’s guidance manual issued last December to clerks regarding signature verification for absentee ballots and absentee ballot applications, it reads, “[v]oter signatures are entitled to an initial presumption of validity.”

    The court ruled against the “initial presumption of validity” portion of the 2023 guidance manual unconstitutional. The judge allowed the guidance manual to keep explanations of why signatures may appear different, such as age or writing quickly, contrary to the GOP plaintiffs’ request.”

    Liked by 1 person

  44. “Birth of rare white buffalo calf in Yellowstone park fulfills Lakota prophecy… For the Lakota, the birth of a white buffalo calf with a black nose, eyes and hooves is akin to the second coming of Jesus Christ. Lakota legend says about 2,000 years ago — when nothing was good, food was running out and bison were disappearing — White Buffalo Calf Woman appeared, presented a bowl pipe and a bundle to a tribal member, taught them how to pray and said that the pipe could be used to bring buffalo to the area for food. As she left, she turned into a white buffalo calf. “And some day when the times are hard again, I shall return and stand upon the earth as a white buffalo calf, black nose, black eyes, black hooves.“

    A similar white buffalo calf was born in Wisconsin in 1994 and was named Miracle…”

    Liked by 1 person

  45. hubby and i were out looking at the garden and feeding the fish, boy do we have frogs or toads!!
    there are at least 6 tiny tomatoes already on the plants and i have about 6 zucchini flowers blooming.
    i gotta weed though

    Liked by 1 person

  50. EXCERPT: “Federal ‘Guidelines’ have already been secretly adopted for a Digital ID program that will start off as ‘voluntary’ but only the most gullible Americans would believe that’s anything but temporary.

    In the globalist drive toward the creation of a national digital ID for all Americans is well under way, and the first group of citizens to be coerced into accepting a digital ID will be those receiving public benefits of one type or another.

    Government healthcare benefits, Veterans’ benefits, Social Security benefits, and of course low-income welfare programs of every type will all be fair game for digital IDs, and the U.S. government is already far down the road to adopting a strategy of digitizing all government-dependent citizens.

    Do you remember ever voting on this? I don’t. And where is Congress? Why aren’t they involved in more than just a periphery role in something as big and important as the creation of a national digital identification process? Instead, it looks like the digitalization of America, and the world, is going to be crammed down our throats. It will be up to us to resist….”

    https://www.technocracy.news/u-s-dept-of-commerce-to-digitize-the-identities-of-all-americans-receiving-public-benefits/

    Liked by 1 person

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